a broken, beating heart

​These days, I feel a cyclone of emotions and thoughts at any given moment. So much in our world, so very much, is wrong, has been wrong, will be wrong…

Fear is triggered, and I become grasping, clinging, desperate. Ideas appear in fits and spurts. I become irritable and distracted. I feel nauseous and short of breath. The ego urges “fix it, fix it, fix it!” The desire to heal and solve and fix is so strong that I worry I might actually be losing my mind – I feel unhinged, unsettled, frantic for something to do.

And then, I remember what I’ve forgotten, again. I remember that the best thing (and only reasonable thing) to do when I feel like this is to stop.

Stop and sit.

So I sit down on my cushion and breathe in and out. A tear lands in my lap as I feel the weight of the suffering that threatens to overwhelm me. I stay sitting and let the fire within me blaze fiercely, consuming my fear from the inside out.

After 20, 30, 40 minutes, I open my eyes and look around the same room in the same world with the same conditions – but I am whole in this body again. I stand up and find that I can put one foot in front of the other. I can wash the dishes. I can read to my children. I can do my work, my small part for justice.
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I can live in this unbelievable world with a broken heart still beating, still choosing to love.  

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